I told you all about my recent dip into depression. During this time i did try to deny myself the joys of my secret sissy life. What an exercise in futility! Sure enough... it wasn't too long before i swung the other way and became obsessive again.
I started to wear my panties obsessively everyday. In my home, under my boy clothes, out in public, no shame, no second thoughts, i was satisfying my inner gurl no doubt . The thing is.... i would get more and more relaxed about the whole thing, i started to get forgetful, and making stupid mistakes.
Observant readers might remember that i have mentioned before how i would on occasion forget i was wearing them, and then, attempt to get into bed, or get changed for bed, in front of my missus. The only thing that would save me was the sudden realization that i have girly pink lace on my bum, and the fact that she wasn't really observant herself. Lots of quick excuses to go to the bathroom, and a quick change was the method for escaping these near misses.
More recently, i would be home, wearing, and forget to change my undies before missus came home from her workkie. Like a good sissy, i would always greet her shortly after her arrival home. During a quick hug, she started to grab at my bum (unussual for her) or occasionally my clitty. More often than not... i would at that moment realize i had forgotten to remove the panties, and i would think "Can she feel the lace, or the leg holes around my cheeks? Can she feel how my clit is trapped tight in the girly front panel?" This of course is followed by panic, a quick excuse to step away, and a quick change in private, lest she fully discover. You may recall, how i had been wondering if she secretly was offering me her girly shirts and tops and panties too that way she would leave them around our bedroom, on my side / furniture.
So, i focused on being smart(er) and would try to slip the panties off as soon as i heard her walking throught the front door. Sometimes, she would walk right up the stairs to see me, so i had to be quick. My method was such: i would slip one leg out of my pants, then the panties, pull my pants back on quick so as not to be caught 'with my pants down' (pun intended :P ) and then, safely, slip my panties down the other (clothed) leg in relative hidden safety. A couple of times..... i forgot to follow through with the last part (removing the stuffed fabric from my other leg - panties bunched around one thigh inside my pajama pants).
Can you see where this is going?
So, one day, a few weeks back at this point, i thought i heard her pull up out front. I slipped the panties down my leg, pulled my pants up, and went into the front bedroom (ours) to look out the windows - sure enough... her car was there. I went down to greet her like a good bf, and everything was fine - or so i thought.
She came upstairs eventually, entering the bedroom. Across the hall, in my office, i heard the bellow that made me grow cold and panic..... "WHO'S PANTIES ARE THESE!?!?!?! THEY ARE NOT MINE!"
I ran into the room, shutting the door quick as everyone else was home. She was holding a the pair of black bikinis with pink trim and silver hearts. They had been in a small pile on the bedroom floor, near the window i was spying from. They must have fallen down my leg to escape off my foot - because i FORGOT TO ACTUALLY REMOVE THEM FROM MY OTHER LEG! ((stupid ass!)) ((And just so you understand a bit better... i'm a partially paralyzed girl, so... i don't have the same skin sensations as all of you - it IS feasible that i could have no idea that fabric is sliding down my leg, tangling my foot, etc)) A quick debate in my head regarding my options.... i knew there was only one... come clean.
|*giggles* Toe lover alert! Shamefully, i realize now i should have painted them for that photo session :P|
"WHAT? What do you mean?!" she asked through slitted, disbelieving eyes.
I explained.... they were my panties. I liked to wear girls panties. I used to try hers, but i didnt want to ruin them, so.... i thoughtfully went out and bought my own. (Trying to gain points for being considerate.)
Of course... she had lots and lots of questions. The first and foremost was.... Why? Do you want to be a girl?
The moment of truth.
I wish i could relate a story of how i came out, was honest and truthful, how i have begun my life as a fully realized cross dresser, with transgender leanings, but... i didn't. I am nothing if not a scared, frightened, cowardly sissy.
So, i lied.
Without trying to replicate the entire humiliating convo, the short story is this: i own panties and wear them because they make me feel good, warm and nice inside, they make me feel 'pretty', sexy, and... kinda girly. (All true of course.) No, i don't wanna be a girl. (Lie.) No, i don't want to be with men. (Lie.) No, i'm not gay. (Lie.) No, i don't want to be like those 'man-ladies' she sees occasionally on TV. (Lie. Have i mentioned how prejudiced she is against gays? Like, not the extreme 'God hates...' kinda way, more like 'Ewww, i bet she likes girls', or 'Yuck, why does he have to flaunt it, put it in our faces', if she sees two men kissing or getting married or some such.)
So, i lied. Lots. (Yeah, i know - i've betrayed myself, my inner girl, and everybody like me that is dieing to come out - i feel guilty enough about it, so please don't shit on me because of it.)
And... she accepted it. She's confused, no doubt. I admitted to wearing / liking / wanting panties, but i denied EVERY logical reason, explanation, next step that she asked about. OMG - what a humiliating conversation. I stood there with my hands behind my back, head looking down, blushing hard as she quizzed me. I felt aroused and shamed and excited and relieved, and embarrassed and so much like a pitiful sissy.... it almost made the whole experience ... idk... exciting? Not in a fantasy way... more of like.... for a moment... i truly felt like a little girl, submissive to my missus, how i like to feel.... even if she is too clueless to realize, or capitalize on that.
Up side? She accepted my weirdness... and even agreed to wash them for me (as my boy does mine and his wash... so Dad's panties cant really go in my wash) so at least now they're cleaner than before when i had to sneak-hand-wash them in the shower. Now i can wear whenever i feel like. Although, she doesn't want me wearing them outside, for fear of being caught (like the 'car accident / clean undies scenario), of course... i still do.
Down side? She's really curious, and kinda, idk, accusatory? That's prolly not the correct word for what i mean. It's like, her tone of voice has some hidden accusation, some kind of condemnation behind her words. i still wear and have the same habits. It's still kinda shameful, so i don't flaunt it - old habits die hard. She will ask 'Why havent you worn you girly panties lately?' or ' Are you being girly today?' Yeah, it makes me feel uncomfortable. No more than answering tough questions from a Misstress in SL, but still... because its RL, and my missus... there's a certain amount of further humilaition.
Between my panty wearing.... and the recent changes in our sex life.... she HAS to know what i really am inside.
|A dirty, kinky, cock loving, submissive, sissy slut!|
Maybe, if i play stupid long enough, maybe she will think that i am in denial, and force me to accept and admit the truth. God i hope so... that would make life sooooo much easier.