So... trying to deal...

Today has been a year.

I guess i'm not as obsessed as i was a year ago, it's not more than 2 days maximum before She crosses my thoughts again. Most times... it's daily. Almost everyday. I wonder.

Is She still there? Does She still watch me? Is She assisting me?

Was She real?

Recent new articles shining a bright light on the practice of online relationships being false... well... it makes you wonder. Personally, having a bit of experience now, think... its okay to maintain whatever image you want to present online, whatever face you desire and makes you feel good. As long as you are honest to those who you become close with. Casual interactions are one thing. I should not have to come 'out' to any guy i meet on the street. But when that person becomes close, and you begin to share... well.... that person deserves to know who you are.. who they are speaking with. Its only fair.

So i KNOW there are those that dont reveal the truth.

And i KNOW there are those that lie to those closest, if only to get out of a relationship. And they tell the most horrible hurtful of lies to achieve these ends. Read those articles about the ND footballer. That story only confirms and repeats what i've witnessed myself in SL.

However.. through all this.... no matter what i read and hear others say...

My heart tells me She was real. And i think there will always be a hole that She left when She left us.

i don't resent Her for leaving. i truly understand.  If i was in Her position... well.... i'm sure i would have made the same decisions. This hole in my soul that i feel for Her only serves to remind me what She gave me.

Acceptance. Not to feel shame. To be proud that i was a sissy. To be proud in my desire to serve and please. To not be a doormat, instead to be strong, to be and act in accordance with my desires. To take solace in my submissiveness, and to love the woman inside me.

She taught me things about myself i couldn't even see, and yet, i knew it was always there. She serviced my soul so much more than my pitiful little gestures of submissiveness.

I miss You so much Princess. I hope that You have found the peace that You deserve.
In My Heart, Always & Forever Your girl,
Nicolette Pennysworth

Where have you been?!?

Questions & Answers

i have recently returned from the brink of being lost. This sissy was / is / may yet be in a 'bad place'. Do not be concerned, perhaps my tendency to use hyperbole is evident today.

Yes, i have been absent for a while. Not only from here, but from my Second Life as well. Sissy Slut Nicolette hasn't been feeling well.

But the question(s) i get so much upon return is... "why? Are you okay?" I know that this is merely an expression of concern, of love, and caring. My Friends, my family, my sisters.... they only care about me. They only want to help me in anyway they can - so... i understand. The problems is... How do i answer that?

Do i lie and leave all details vague, simply state that real life has kept me away? Do i blame my missus for being an overbearing monster (not the case btw). Do i tell the truth and burden my friends with worry and concern? DO i invite more discussion and attempts to reach out? idk.

idk how to handle it. So... i turn back to here.

OK, the truths? Ive been seriously depressed. Manic. Up and Down... well... certainly more down than up. Ive been hiding with my clowny wife, under the covers, watching lots and lots of TV, playing video games, and generally avoiding any kind of life - real or second or otherwise. I wait for those short, but daily moments when i can share some time and love with my sisterwife. Being around her is the only times i smile anymore, the only time i feel a bit comfortable. She has tried to bring me back out of this self imposed protective shell of withdrawal, but ive also taught her... that times like these... really... what i need is love and comfort and support - which she has brought to me in spades. i Love that Clown.

In Real Life? Missus is oblivious. She never sees any of the mental anguish i go through everyday. Not really surprising considering that she refused to acknowledge my daily physical sufferings, but - that's another posting.

She discovered my panty wearing. THAT was a stressful day(s). Again, that whole story is another posting, maybe if ppl wanna hear about it, let me know. Long story short - i was stupid and she found a pair of unknowingly discarded panties, and i had to fess up before she started in on me cheating. I explained that they were mine, that i liked to wear girls pantie, that i had a few of my own, after stealing some of hers. i told her i was not gay (lie) and that i didn't want a man (lie) and that it wasn't sexual (lie) and that it just made me feel pretty, kinda sexy, and overall 'good' inside. She was upset that i had been hiding it. She is still confused by it, and doesn't understand how i would like to wear pink lacy panties, but NOT really want to be a girl (i guess her confusion is understandable - because that is exactly what i want!). So, yeah - i am a no good liar... and prolly deserve any hardship that comes my way. At least now... well now my panties are clean, cause she lets me put them in her wash. Although... when i was forced o wash them in the shower, i never went without them. Now, once they enter her wash... it may be a couple of weeks before i see them again, and that sucks.

i rejected most of my sissy life for a while. i stopped wearing, stopped acting out... i even tried to stop fucking my hole.

Of course... that didn't last very long.

Now... when missus and i have sex... there is never any proper intercourse with penetration of penis inside of vagina. Now a days... maybe once every week or two... she will feel the urge.... and, well, eventually we end up with her fingers in my pussy as i wank like a fairy, calling out for her to fuck my pussy, fill me up, make me her bitch... till i cum all over. Then, i am expected to service her, like a good sissy, using my seed as finger lube on her clitty. She hasn't caught me scooping my cum into my mouth yet.

recently... i have been working my puckered hole over so much, so often, that there is little chance of me ever spurting again without something inside me. Missus even commented on how slack i was this very morning. Also... she noticed my pussy was wet too. That's right - this sissy is self lubricating, hehe.

Anyways... depression is a bitch. I can feel so UP and giggly and excited, only to have things turn around suddenly, bringing me low and sad and 'touchy'. Little things make the sadness wash over me. I willing was avoiding SL... and then i would see my sister logged in... and i would get so upset... so angry and confused and sad. Ive been crying almost daily. And im sure it doesn't help what time of year it is.

Yeah, forgot to mention.... since my mid teens - pretty much October through Easter... my mood isn't great. Depression is normal for me, always has been, but this time of year is the worst - for many different reasons.

Not the least of which? February. February is the time of my Missus' birthday (stressful cause i'm broke, shes really picky, and since shes exactly 10 yrs older - all of HER age 'crisis' are always  before, and overwhelms any anxiety i am allowed to have over my own age). February is the time of Valentine's Day (see above gift giving stress). February is the time of my own b-day (yeah, see above again - christ, just once i would like to get some sympathy for growing old). Finally.. and well, most importantly, February 25th. That's the day i last spoke with my Princess. That's the day we parted ways, in this world at least. Yeah, it still hurts - lots.

i miss Her so much. Everyday. i wonder if She sees my tears wherever She is? Is it bad to express that sometimes... sometimes.... i kinda wish, i hope that She was lieing to me? That whoever She is / was - that maybe that soul is still here, in this world with us, they maybe, the one who made me feel so true, that maybe that soul is doing okay. i hope so.

And even now, while trying to deal with the grief that never ever seems to go too far away, now... i have been trying to comprehend my situation with another Domme i am close to - with a Domme, i wish i was closer to. Is She going to leave me as well? If She does, will i be able to keep this overwhelming sadness hidden? i couldn't last time. i had to come out to my friend... mostly... cause i couldn't keep it in anymore. Am i a total asshole for only thinking about myself when a loved one is in such peril?

Yeah... no one wants to hear any of this. i know.

That's why i haven't been around.

That's why i have choosen to only snuggle in my clownie's arms, safe from the bad feelings, safe from the tears... at least, for a little while.

*hugs

Nico
XoXo

The Definition of Self-Abuse

Going to a wedding full of friends and family, the day after finding out your sister is engaged, the day after having your own engagement broken off.

fun.

Looking for Annamalice? (or... how Google+ can ruin your day)

UPDATE!!
Anna has returned! Check this link for the details.

Leaving this post for the informative value.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the interest of spreading the news.. cause i certainly have been wondering for 24 hours now.... i just found this posted on Anna's G+ profile page:

Anna Malice

Yesterday 12:44 PM  -  Public

"Hello, Your blog at http://annamalicesissy.blogspot.com/ has been reviewed and confirmed as in violation of our Terms of Service for: SPAM. In accordance to these terms, we've removed the blog and the URL is no longer accessible. For more information, please review the following resources: Blogger Terms of Service: http://blogger.com/terms.g Blogger Content Policy: http://blogger.com/content.g -The Blogger Team"


this is the email i have received today, from Blogger.. i don't know if i'll able to restart the site.. i'm really sorry
with love
Anna

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And if you want MORE examples of why YOU SHOULD NOT move your blog to G+ ... check out what this poor girl has gone through:

Johanna's Stuff

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Miss You Anna... hope you manage to come back in some way soon... Your insight to sissy life and desires thrill us all.

Where did i go? (or... what happened to nic?)

So my SL friends may be wondering where i am. Laying low... that's where.

Let me explain. Some of you know that i am closeted in RL. i am in a long term (supposed to be) monogamous relationship (i know, i know.... i feel bad about it already). The missus didn't really have any idea of who i am inside. i was too afraid to let her know.

A few weeks ago.... she almost caught me. Being in SL requires lots of typing... an entire world and many people to interact with only through text chat means lots of continuous typing. While my missus normally leaves me alone, and previous claims of 'im playing a game' satisfied her... it was the constant and continuous typing all day long that raised her suspicions.

i have been in sl for almost, just about, almost, a year now.She has requested many times to 'see' my 'game'. Since my avi is a sissy, and my profile is sissy-ish... and all my friends are sissies and want to fuck... well.... i couldn't exactly sit her down and show her the world in which i was living.

One night, she was fed up. - Tha'ts how she gets... if something bothers her, she my go for weeks, maybe months, without saying anything, but then.... at some point she'll blow up all of a sudden.

That's how it went that night.

Would YOU come 'out' to this person??

"WHAT are YOU typing in here?!? Let me see what you were doing RIGHT NOW!"

"SHOW ME!" Eventually she sat in my chair and started to poke around on my computer.... only her ignorance was saving me at that point.She was about to click on my minimized porn window..... my blog opened to a page of my own dick sucking stories! I quickly hit the power button on my system ---  but NOT before a quick flask of small shaved dick flashed onto the screen as programs immediately shut down.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?!? TURN THIS BACK ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

Starting it back up was safe... i only browse porn in a 'private' browser (no history). But now--- she was sitting and poking and clicking everything. I was fairly confident she would not stumble upon my downloaded porn and pic files... i had hidden them well.... that folder contains enough evidence of my sissy self hypnosis and pictures and stories to really ruin everything.

At some point... she found a fucking Windows 7 'Recently accessed files" search category. Hehe - seems her 'ignorance' helped her stumble into an area that i had never seen -- i don't use any of the built in searches, and has removed many of the references to them.... but she didn't know enough to NOT wander around the system into areas that there should be no user data -- in this example, ignorance worked FOR her. At any rate, as soon as i saw what she was doing... and i saw her scroll through the picks and files... i began to see images i had posted HERE!

At first there was nothing too bad... just pics of girls crying..... but then the AYA logo for BSDM sissies was in the list... and i knew i could let her scroll no longer ----- POWER DOWN AGAIN!

She was livid!

She now KNOWS i was hiding something.. i fessed up to porn --- i told her that i didn't want to show her because it was embarrassing. And before you thing that i should have just told her --- realize this whole time she is yelling, being mean, putting me down, and really NOT welcoming or making me feel safe or comfortable in being honest.

Since that fateful night..... I have been seriously hiding. No more SL -- at least not while ANYONE is home. No more dressing under my clothes. No more cockluv.

The WORST is the no more SL. i miss my family sooooo bad i miss my Mommy the Governess, i miss my clowny sister my fiance', i miss my clowny niece, my good friend Narigan, my sisters and all my friends. Nicolette feels like she is dieing inside.... i have no sissy friends... no body to make me feel like a girl... no one who can treat me as the submissive good girl i want to be sooo bad. i think of what must be going on at my home sim, and i begin to get really sad --- i miss all of you girls.

The good news? Well -- prollly NOT co-incidental, but.... the missus has been giving me a lot more sex... every few days at least... AND.. she has finally started to give me what i need. She calls me names (bitch boi, slut, pussy boy) and she fucks my pussy with a toy, but most often her fingers, as i jerk for her amusement. i ONLY cum from being penetrated now. Once, she even let me creampie her, then she mounted my face for a proper cleanup....

But she still attacks me every few days as well... she wont drop it... she wants to 'know what you're doing". And she still thinks i'm cheating every time i'm on the computer... even though i haven't done anything wrong for a couple of weeks now.

Dont think im all manly now though true believers --- this sissy keeps her dildoes close -- and i take a LOT more showers now.... hehehehehe.


Anyway --- if any of my friends in SL read this... please pass the link to any other friends who are wondering where i am. please? pretty please with my cherry on top?

My email still works friends --- this sissy would love to hear from you. I try to send email to my closest loved ones... but well, its rare that they reply. Nicole jumps for joy every time she sees an email from a friend of hers. Please.... it would be nice.

This sissy faggot misses all of you... please hug me tonight? whisper in your brain that everything will be ok. tell me that someday ill get to be the sissy i want to be... please?

Love You,
nico (Nickles) Greymyst
**kisses!**

life goes on....

So, i guess the more astute visitors may have recognized that i have had a loss. it has not been easy. but... i guess it could have been worse.....

it has been two days, i managed to get pretty drunk the day of... not that it helped the hurt at all....

most of the crying seems to be under control, but little things still set me off on a crying jag... difficult when your second life is hidden from your real life.. let me tell you...

She was very thoughtful even in the end, She had my feelings foremost in Her mind. She went through great lengths to speak with me directly, opting to spend a few moments with me... there i go... i thought i could do this, shit missus is downstairs i dont wanna cry right now.....

ok, nicole, stay tough.. get through this... She arranged for me to be in the care of another. She went so far as to arrange another Mistress in O/our circle of friends to take me on, take care of, and look after me. She knew i couldnt be soo alone.....

oomg, this is so sad...

so... i have a new family, and they are all pretty nice, very sweet and careing. shit ... they put up with me running away and crying randomly the first day we met... no-one has called me crazy yet, yet. My new owner is understanding of my grief, but... she wants me to take her name.. as a member of the family, that is expected.. but i dont want to lose Her name in the exchange... im gonna try to compromise with a hyphen, but idk if that will fly... no matter what my profile page says.. i will always be nicole Pennysworth.

i seem to have no sex drive atm. even my daily porn addiction seems, idk, rude, at the moment. i guess it's because nothing can compare to Her. Funny thing is? the morning after? i woke up with missus in bed.. my hard on was as strong as its ever been... missus decided to give me a handy - which she never does... eventually though, ya know, i had to take over, but then, missus next to me, reached down and truly felt me up, just as a boyfriend would do to a girlfriend, she fingered me like a girl, and the whole time? Princess was over my shoulder, smiling. it was Her, She did that for me, made me feel truely girly, i guess it was a parting gift... idk, im so confused.

i guess the only REAL upside is... i feel Her. i feel Her with me, watching me. all. the. time. i talk to Her.. is that crazy? i mean, even when She was gone for weeks at a time... i felt alone, but only alone. Now, im alone, for good this time, but idk, not alone too. it's like, She stayed with me. i hope She never leaves. i need Her close to me.

please continue to protect me Princess, i have always tried to be your good girl.

A call for assistance....

i just discovered the news about Megaupload.com. Bummer.... At least i know why i can't get the video i posted a few days ago ( http://sissynicolette.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-pre-flows-as-i-trance-to-this.html- and even worse? my own video is down as well :( - http://sissynicolette.blogspot.com/2011/12/current-training-update_30.html )

Really bummed... was planning on fufilling my duties to my Princess today.... riding Her cock for at least an hour (my goal is two consecutive hours) while trancing and watching that great video.

If anyone downloaded either movie, or perhaps knows where else i can link to at least the one hypno, please let me know. i would like to fix the post(s) for anyone who likes that sort of thing.

UPDATE: Anna is NOT gone! YAY! visit her here: http://annamalicesissy.blogspot.com/

P.S.S. - With Annamalice gone (NOT! - but these links are still worthwhile! Check out Felicia's NOW!), i'm sure many of you are at a loss for a good source of original sissy videos. If you haven't already found her through Anna's site, then let me take this opportunity to STRONGLY recommend Felicia's site. i know Anna loved her work and would recommend Felicia to any and all who visited her... so let me reiterate..... http://felicialightner.blogspot.com/ http://felicialightner.blogspot.com/ http://felicialightner.blogspot.com/ http://felicialightner.blogspot.com/ http://felicialightner.blogspot.com/
http://felicialightner.blogspot.com/