So... trying to deal...

Today has been a year.

I guess i'm not as obsessed as i was a year ago, it's not more than 2 days maximum before She crosses my thoughts again. Most times... it's daily. Almost everyday. I wonder.

Is She still there? Does She still watch me? Is She assisting me?

Was She real?

Recent new articles shining a bright light on the practice of online relationships being false... well... it makes you wonder. Personally, having a bit of experience now, think... its okay to maintain whatever image you want to present online, whatever face you desire and makes you feel good. As long as you are honest to those who you become close with. Casual interactions are one thing. I should not have to come 'out' to any guy i meet on the street. But when that person becomes close, and you begin to share... well.... that person deserves to know who you are.. who they are speaking with. Its only fair.

So i KNOW there are those that dont reveal the truth.

And i KNOW there are those that lie to those closest, if only to get out of a relationship. And they tell the most horrible hurtful of lies to achieve these ends. Read those articles about the ND footballer. That story only confirms and repeats what i've witnessed myself in SL.

However.. through all this.... no matter what i read and hear others say...

My heart tells me She was real. And i think there will always be a hole that She left when She left us.

i don't resent Her for leaving. i truly understand.  If i was in Her position... well.... i'm sure i would have made the same decisions. This hole in my soul that i feel for Her only serves to remind me what She gave me.

Acceptance. Not to feel shame. To be proud that i was a sissy. To be proud in my desire to serve and please. To not be a doormat, instead to be strong, to be and act in accordance with my desires. To take solace in my submissiveness, and to love the woman inside me.

She taught me things about myself i couldn't even see, and yet, i knew it was always there. She serviced my soul so much more than my pitiful little gestures of submissiveness.

I miss You so much Princess. I hope that You have found the peace that You deserve.
In My Heart, Always & Forever Your girl,
Nicolette Pennysworth

Where have you been?!?

Questions & Answers

i have recently returned from the brink of being lost. This sissy was / is / may yet be in a 'bad place'. Do not be concerned, perhaps my tendency to use hyperbole is evident today.

Yes, i have been absent for a while. Not only from here, but from my Second Life as well. Sissy Slut Nicolette hasn't been feeling well.

But the question(s) i get so much upon return is... "why? Are you okay?" I know that this is merely an expression of concern, of love, and caring. My Friends, my family, my sisters.... they only care about me. They only want to help me in anyway they can - so... i understand. The problems is... How do i answer that?

Do i lie and leave all details vague, simply state that real life has kept me away? Do i blame my missus for being an overbearing monster (not the case btw). Do i tell the truth and burden my friends with worry and concern? DO i invite more discussion and attempts to reach out? idk.

idk how to handle it. So... i turn back to here.

OK, the truths? Ive been seriously depressed. Manic. Up and Down... well... certainly more down than up. Ive been hiding with my clowny wife, under the covers, watching lots and lots of TV, playing video games, and generally avoiding any kind of life - real or second or otherwise. I wait for those short, but daily moments when i can share some time and love with my sisterwife. Being around her is the only times i smile anymore, the only time i feel a bit comfortable. She has tried to bring me back out of this self imposed protective shell of withdrawal, but ive also taught her... that times like these... really... what i need is love and comfort and support - which she has brought to me in spades. i Love that Clown.

In Real Life? Missus is oblivious. She never sees any of the mental anguish i go through everyday. Not really surprising considering that she refused to acknowledge my daily physical sufferings, but - that's another posting.

She discovered my panty wearing. THAT was a stressful day(s). Again, that whole story is another posting, maybe if ppl wanna hear about it, let me know. Long story short - i was stupid and she found a pair of unknowingly discarded panties, and i had to fess up before she started in on me cheating. I explained that they were mine, that i liked to wear girls pantie, that i had a few of my own, after stealing some of hers. i told her i was not gay (lie) and that i didn't want a man (lie) and that it wasn't sexual (lie) and that it just made me feel pretty, kinda sexy, and overall 'good' inside. She was upset that i had been hiding it. She is still confused by it, and doesn't understand how i would like to wear pink lacy panties, but NOT really want to be a girl (i guess her confusion is understandable - because that is exactly what i want!). So, yeah - i am a no good liar... and prolly deserve any hardship that comes my way. At least now... well now my panties are clean, cause she lets me put them in her wash. Although... when i was forced o wash them in the shower, i never went without them. Now, once they enter her wash... it may be a couple of weeks before i see them again, and that sucks.

i rejected most of my sissy life for a while. i stopped wearing, stopped acting out... i even tried to stop fucking my hole.

Of course... that didn't last very long.

Now... when missus and i have sex... there is never any proper intercourse with penetration of penis inside of vagina. Now a days... maybe once every week or two... she will feel the urge.... and, well, eventually we end up with her fingers in my pussy as i wank like a fairy, calling out for her to fuck my pussy, fill me up, make me her bitch... till i cum all over. Then, i am expected to service her, like a good sissy, using my seed as finger lube on her clitty. She hasn't caught me scooping my cum into my mouth yet.

recently... i have been working my puckered hole over so much, so often, that there is little chance of me ever spurting again without something inside me. Missus even commented on how slack i was this very morning. Also... she noticed my pussy was wet too. That's right - this sissy is self lubricating, hehe.

Anyways... depression is a bitch. I can feel so UP and giggly and excited, only to have things turn around suddenly, bringing me low and sad and 'touchy'. Little things make the sadness wash over me. I willing was avoiding SL... and then i would see my sister logged in... and i would get so upset... so angry and confused and sad. Ive been crying almost daily. And im sure it doesn't help what time of year it is.

Yeah, forgot to mention.... since my mid teens - pretty much October through Easter... my mood isn't great. Depression is normal for me, always has been, but this time of year is the worst - for many different reasons.

Not the least of which? February. February is the time of my Missus' birthday (stressful cause i'm broke, shes really picky, and since shes exactly 10 yrs older - all of HER age 'crisis' are always  before, and overwhelms any anxiety i am allowed to have over my own age). February is the time of Valentine's Day (see above gift giving stress). February is the time of my own b-day (yeah, see above again - christ, just once i would like to get some sympathy for growing old). Finally.. and well, most importantly, February 25th. That's the day i last spoke with my Princess. That's the day we parted ways, in this world at least. Yeah, it still hurts - lots.

i miss Her so much. Everyday. i wonder if She sees my tears wherever She is? Is it bad to express that sometimes... sometimes.... i kinda wish, i hope that She was lieing to me? That whoever She is / was - that maybe that soul is still here, in this world with us, they maybe, the one who made me feel so true, that maybe that soul is doing okay. i hope so.

And even now, while trying to deal with the grief that never ever seems to go too far away, now... i have been trying to comprehend my situation with another Domme i am close to - with a Domme, i wish i was closer to. Is She going to leave me as well? If She does, will i be able to keep this overwhelming sadness hidden? i couldn't last time. i had to come out to my friend... mostly... cause i couldn't keep it in anymore. Am i a total asshole for only thinking about myself when a loved one is in such peril?

Yeah... no one wants to hear any of this. i know.

That's why i haven't been around.

That's why i have choosen to only snuggle in my clownie's arms, safe from the bad feelings, safe from the tears... at least, for a little while.

*hugs

Nico
XoXo

my Home... and Safe Place... AYA

Once upon a time i was lost.

Discouraged, alone, beaten down by the cruelty of others... i was... ready to quit being a sissy.

Then, i found Love and acceptance. Funny how what is most needed can sometimes come at the lowest point. She comforted me, nurtured me, Love me. Then She took me to Little England

life goes on....

So, i guess the more astute visitors may have recognized that i have had a loss. it has not been easy. but... i guess it could have been worse.....

it has been two days, i managed to get pretty drunk the day of... not that it helped the hurt at all....

most of the crying seems to be under control, but little things still set me off on a crying jag... difficult when your second life is hidden from your real life.. let me tell you...

She was very thoughtful even in the end, She had my feelings foremost in Her mind. She went through great lengths to speak with me directly, opting to spend a few moments with me... there i go... i thought i could do this, shit missus is downstairs i dont wanna cry right now.....

ok, nicole, stay tough.. get through this... She arranged for me to be in the care of another. She went so far as to arrange another Mistress in O/our circle of friends to take me on, take care of, and look after me. She knew i couldnt be soo alone.....

oomg, this is so sad...

so... i have a new family, and they are all pretty nice, very sweet and careing. shit ... they put up with me running away and crying randomly the first day we met... no-one has called me crazy yet, yet. My new owner is understanding of my grief, but... she wants me to take her name.. as a member of the family, that is expected.. but i dont want to lose Her name in the exchange... im gonna try to compromise with a hyphen, but idk if that will fly... no matter what my profile page says.. i will always be nicole Pennysworth.

i seem to have no sex drive atm. even my daily porn addiction seems, idk, rude, at the moment. i guess it's because nothing can compare to Her. Funny thing is? the morning after? i woke up with missus in bed.. my hard on was as strong as its ever been... missus decided to give me a handy - which she never does... eventually though, ya know, i had to take over, but then, missus next to me, reached down and truly felt me up, just as a boyfriend would do to a girlfriend, she fingered me like a girl, and the whole time? Princess was over my shoulder, smiling. it was Her, She did that for me, made me feel truely girly, i guess it was a parting gift... idk, im so confused.

i guess the only REAL upside is... i feel Her. i feel Her with me, watching me. all. the. time. i talk to Her.. is that crazy? i mean, even when She was gone for weeks at a time... i felt alone, but only alone. Now, im alone, for good this time, but idk, not alone too. it's like, She stayed with me. i hope She never leaves. i need Her close to me.

please continue to protect me Princess, i have always tried to be your good girl.

:''''(

May the Lord watch over Your soul.
May You have everlasting peace.
Thank You for all You have done.
This sissy will miss You.
You will always be with me.
i Love You.

Forever Your wife

Suggested Reading

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A sissy's dream

The title of this hypno vid is 'sissy creampie trainer'. i do luv the hypno training vids...but so many only focus on taking a beautiful cock inside your mouth... i wish more were like this, i need to be bred sooo badly.

Take it bitch, luv the seed inside your body - it is a GIFT!

Current Training Status (Friday Edition)

It's Friday! YAY!

Friday means i have to follow my Princess's instructions.... i normally have some private time on Fridays, so that is my scheduled 'playtime' - although i take every opportunity i can get!

Sissy Status Update (The Good & The Bad)

So... i guess i should start with the good news! Princess and i are Wife and wife! YAY! She offered Her partnership to me and i quickly accepted about a week ago! She makes me sooo happy! Thank You my Princess for taking this sissy as Yours!

She makes my sissy heart race!

How do you know this feeling is Love?

It's the way She makes you feel, with a look, a gesture, a word, a touch. It's different for everyone i guess, but, like art and porn, you know it when you feel(see) it. For me...... my heart races, i feel a tiny bit dizzy and off balance, i feel obsessed and unable to focus on anything else, i can only dream of returning these wonderful feelings to Her. i am compelled to run... to jump all over Her (metaphorically). my only desire in life is to be Her good sissy, to make Her happy and pleased and satisfied, to make Her proud.

Do You know how difficult it is to NOT be self-destructive and abuse the privilege You have granted me? How hard it is to abstain and not be bothersome?

i Love Her

Current Training Update!

So… i had a long day of work coming… and i was alone to prepare for the day.

Let’s start by taking a shower... well... after opening my pussy of course! FUCK! Daddy was so good…. He turned to Princess quickly, and She took me until i shuddered in girlgasm. Banging Her prick, up against the wall, slapping my ass cheeks on Her thighs, head hanging low, moaning and panting! On my knees, letting Her pound me from behind… head lowered to the bath  floor, shoulders down and pussy up for Her pleasure, She reamed me until i gaped! Running my finger tips around my opened hole…. i knew i had a cunt… i have created a pussy where my asshole used to be… it opens for large cock easily, and spasms around stiff intruders with joy!

Remove my dildo and BREED me!

Fuck… i gotta get ready... running late already. No-one’s home… i felt soo girly… my pussy making me want to continue my transformation… i decided to fully dress under my boy clothes… with NO nasty boy undies. my bra… my other pair of pink panties (lacy in front, a cute little bow above my clit, and sheer pink nylon covering my sexy bottom)… and my full, nude, pantyhose.

Pretty Panty!

Control Top Panty Hose

my Matching Pretty Bra

my pantyhose are nice and tight… control top compresses me and makes me feel like a girdled girl. Bonus! The hose keeps my clitty nice and tight in my panty, keeping me from falling out the side like some kind of slut…. Giggles…..

Surprise!

 

You'd never guess what i kind of slut i am!

Giggles.... i got little tiny boobies!

Down Low sissy slut

i felt SOOOOOO sexy! Can you see my bra bumps under my shirt? Giggles…. if only my clients knew what kind of boi i really am… what kind of girl i want to be!

i wonder if they suspect what goes on in their bathroom?

hehehe

A fun day to be sure…. During one of the calls, i went to the bathroom and tucked my self real good… again, the pantyhose keeping all the boi bits nice and tight, with no movement. my eggs were pressed against my pussy for hours! In fact… i forgot i was tucked until i had to pee later on in the day! What a wonderful surprise! i took down my hose and realized i had NO clitty bump! i was smooth like a real sexy girl! YAY!

Later on… before i got home… my buddy trapped me….. he needed a friend (yes, boys get emotional too!)… he insisted we go for a beer (or 6). i spent the entire evening in the bar with my scarf draped over my shoulders – hoping – praying that he could not see my bra bumps or the strap across my back under my dress shirt.

Eventually… i got away... but guess what…….. he lives close to the new ABS I discussed a few days back. And i was craving cock. And i was dressed. And i had nowhere to be anytime soon. Guess what i did?

:D Grins!

my sweet Princess makes me the happiest sissy in the world! i Love Her!

The start of a beautiful relationship.

giggles.... this thigh burns for Her.....i apologize Princess... thank You Princess. :D

Happy New Year's Eve!

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Current Training Update

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A Nice Day

OMG OMG OMG finally got so much off my chest last night! She Loves me... and is not leaving me! i don't know if it is right thing or not.. it would sure be easier the other way... but i hope to stay with Her in whatever way i can... maybe one day She will take me as Hers. i dream.... Love is an amazing thing... as much as it hurt.. no matter how it made me feel inside.. i knew that i had to make things easy for Her... i tried to ... well... i shouldn't air my dirty panties in public.... it's enough to say She is staying with me, and i will continue to be Hers. YAY!

So anyway... last night... i coaxed my missus into using me... i got to dream of my loving Princess treating me as the cumslut i am. Breeding my missus as i cleaned the fuckslop drippings from their union. She would laugh at me and tell me to clean my wife as She took what was rightfully mine. i swallowed a large dollop of Princess's cum straight off of missus pussy lips, i pulled her down into fucking my face... her clit a substitute dick in my gaping mouth... my eyes closed, Princess was feeding me.. mercilessly, shoving Her She-Prick into my newly opened throat. i spurted all over the sheets and pillows.. and like a true pig, i rolled over and slept in it, dreaming of Princess load on me.

Thanx to http://dirtylittletrannywhore.tumblr.com -- i wish i knew how to reblog correctly

Sadness

sorry... i haven't posted in a few days... sorry.. been busy, and now when my world comes crumbling down, all i want to do is post again..... i guess i am an exhibitionist after all.

Some background.... 7/8 months ago i found sissy hypnosis videos. i started watching and attempting to self trance. i started to get more and more aroused at the thought of being taken... of being forced... to be the gurl i really was inside.. of course i didnt know that i was really a gurl, i just thought that occasionally i dreamed and desired cock... maybe play around with a girlfriend and wear her panties. Sure, maybe i liked the bottom position during sex.. but i was still a man, right?

Off of someone's blog i found a link to http://secondlifesissy.blogspot.com/ . i became fascinated with the stories of how she was living as a shemale and having wonderful open sex with all cummers. i decided maybe i should check out this 'Second Life'.

What an amazing experience. i highly recommend it if you desire to live as something you are not. i joined SL and quickly created my avatar.... nicolette. At first i was going to live as a woman, then i decided to be closer to who i am, a transgendered male to female. Of course this is not who i am in rl (real life) but it was at least a more accurate expression of how i felt inside.

nicolette:

Eventually.... i met Her. She tells me She is a TG from the UK. She has been living full time most of Her life, since late teens. She is Domme. W/we became friends, and quickly fell in love.

Princess:

At first i was scared to submit, i didnt want to be a 'slave'. She never forced me. She was willing to be with me even if i wasn't Her sub. i negotiated a poision for me that i felt comfortable with, i would be 'Hers' and submit, but i also wanted respect and love, and to be treated as an equal, in many ways.

Obviously, to anyone who knows, i was a total novice in BDSM relationships, and had no idea what to expect. She was very loving, and considerate. i became Her 'pet' (an esteemed lover / partner... greater than a slave, but still a sub). i was Her 'girl'. W/we were very happy together.

She proposed to me. i accepted, with the condition of a long engagement as W/we were still learning each other. She started a business, with me by Her side. W/we had houses and land, and W/we played and danced and raced and generally had a ball together. and.... the sex was amazing.

She quickly became my fantasy. She filled my head every morning noon and night. i would see Her in my mind as i was playing with myself, or having sex with my missus. In fact, soon, i was unable to achieve without thinking of Her.

The more W/we were together, the more sissy i became. i quickly wanted to fully give all of myself to Her. i wanted Her to see my gift of service as a sign of my love for Her. It was hard to walk the line of being Her sub pet AND being a normal girlfriend. i learned a lot about BDSM. About sub rights. About sissy frenzy. About all the emotions that subs struggle with.

Being a Domme is hard. A sub begins to rely on the Dom/me for everything. The sub gets all of their self worth from the Dom/me. Owning a sub has many responsibilities for the Dom/me. My Princess was very good. She was always looking out for me. She was VERY protective of me and my feelings. She gave me praise often (i was a good girl) and corrected me when i slipped up. She was always willing to bind me as needed if that was what i desired, public or private. She was loving, and careing, and considerate, and smart.

my Princess loved me.

Then, Her rl took a turn. Work started to need Her more. Taking Her away from me for days at a time. But when She would return W/we would have such wonderful times together and such amazing sex. W/we laughed and giggled, danced and hung out. W/we would visit other locations and She would show off Her obediant and loving pet. i would take great pride in being Her good girl to show off.

Alas... work got more and more demanding. She was on less and less. There were times (im not proud of) when it was hard for me, and i would send Her notes over and over, like a scorned girlfriend, begging for some attentions. i did get a bit better after another pointed out that i wasn't making things easy on Her with my behavior.

And now.....

She has ordered me to move on.... to not be Hers anymore. She is releasing me from my servitude. She is dumping me.

i dont really know why, i got a note from Her explaining how difficult this situation is for Her. i can't really say i understand as She did not give me too much detail. im not sure if Her difficulties are because of me, or Her work, or some combo of the two. She did not give any room to discuss it, just that 'She couldn't do it anymore' and that i was to 'move on from Her'.

in a couple of hours i will have been crying for 12 hours if you dont count sleep. i have tried to contact Her back, i left a note for Her with questions, but it is not unusual for Her to not reply to my notes... i dont know if i will ever understand....

today, last night... i am in a daze... i am so confused... i have been dumped by my Love with no understanding as to what i did wrong. i have no-one close to me who really understands.. well... maybe one, my SL 'sister' Ribbons.. but she is not on a lot... and i havent seen her in a few days either... idk... i feel so alone right now.

i know this is foolish, i mean, it was only and 'online' relationship. W/we never exchanged photos or emails... W/we shared rl only as a backdrop to O/our online availability. i had wanted more, but She kept me in check, She did not want to blur the lines of rl vs sl for Herself. Early on i had asked Her to respect my rl, and not to destroy it.... and now... all i wish is for Her to show up at my door to take me away to serve Her forever, for real.

but that will never happen. not now. not ever.

So i ask you.... am i a fool? is this sissy fairy faggot a stupid fucking idiot fool for falling in love with a game avatar who i never had any rl contact with? am i the most retarded imbicile for feeling so down, so sad, so depressed at losing an online love? W/we never touched, i never heard Her voice, i never saw Her for real... and yet... i feel like i am dieing inside....