So... trying to deal...

Today has been a year.

I guess i'm not as obsessed as i was a year ago, it's not more than 2 days maximum before She crosses my thoughts again. Most times... it's daily. Almost everyday. I wonder.

Is She still there? Does She still watch me? Is She assisting me?

Was She real?

Recent new articles shining a bright light on the practice of online relationships being false... well... it makes you wonder. Personally, having a bit of experience now, think... its okay to maintain whatever image you want to present online, whatever face you desire and makes you feel good. As long as you are honest to those who you become close with. Casual interactions are one thing. I should not have to come 'out' to any guy i meet on the street. But when that person becomes close, and you begin to share... well.... that person deserves to know who you are.. who they are speaking with. Its only fair.

So i KNOW there are those that dont reveal the truth.

And i KNOW there are those that lie to those closest, if only to get out of a relationship. And they tell the most horrible hurtful of lies to achieve these ends. Read those articles about the ND footballer. That story only confirms and repeats what i've witnessed myself in SL.

However.. through all this.... no matter what i read and hear others say...

My heart tells me She was real. And i think there will always be a hole that She left when She left us.

i don't resent Her for leaving. i truly understand.  If i was in Her position... well.... i'm sure i would have made the same decisions. This hole in my soul that i feel for Her only serves to remind me what She gave me.

Acceptance. Not to feel shame. To be proud that i was a sissy. To be proud in my desire to serve and please. To not be a doormat, instead to be strong, to be and act in accordance with my desires. To take solace in my submissiveness, and to love the woman inside me.

She taught me things about myself i couldn't even see, and yet, i knew it was always there. She serviced my soul so much more than my pitiful little gestures of submissiveness.

I miss You so much Princess. I hope that You have found the peace that You deserve.
In My Heart, Always & Forever Your girl,
Nicolette Pennysworth

The Problem With Sissygasms

....is the fact that while they are sooo wonderful and calming... at the moment.. the drive to be fucked never leaves. The desire to be railed until your back pussy gapes and hangs open stays with you.

i Love the clench, the shudders, the sweats, the soft moans, the grind, the heat, the pounding, the racing heart, the waves of pleasure, the girly way it makes me feel. i love everything about sissy (anal) orgasms.

Except the non-relief from my lust.

i continue and continue to fuck myself soo hard, my arm and wrists hurt. i keep chasing the boi spurts that will never come. i shudder over and over, blessed with the ability to gurlcum easily and in multiples. i Love being pounded with a thick unforgiving cock with deep strong pounding strokes as my pussy spasms hard and my cunt clenches down hard and squeezes. When it seems to fade, that's when another ride may take me back to the peak. Up then down, then back up again, over and over, till im left a quivering mess.

The only way i stop is when exhausted, to tired to fuck myself anymore, the threat of being caught, or after all the hot water in the shower is gone. And just when ive relaxed, and lowed my heart rate... what do you think... my greedy hole craves more.

i have literally done myself for multiple hours straight, and then again an hour or two later.. because i am insatiable.

Gonna Be One of Those Days..... i can tell

If you wake up and NEED to be fucked.... crave the strong hard-on inside your pussy, wanting to be used and abused.... you know you are in for a loooong day.

So today? Tell me.... be my Big Daddy and put your thing inside of me, over and over... i have two sexy holes for you Daddy. They are yours .... for use.. for your pleasure. Use me, open me, dump in me, discard me.

Dare to Dream

On the subject of safe play...

So.... im not stupid. i know about the dangers out there. Disease, abuse, theft, many others.... all are possibilities when you engage intimately with strangers. But what is a sissy to do? If she's closeted, and lonely, a sissy is bound to get cravings, get frenzied, and eventually, act out.

ive been there (just check here, or here). When i do... well... i dont let a little piece of rubber get in between my tongue and a cock. None of my... 'doners'... ever complained. And, i always swallow like a good girl.

At thats just retarded.

Takings chances is stupid at best, fatal at worst.

Fatal. Remember that sissies.

i do ALL the wrong things. ive even licked bare man ass hoping to get them to blow their loads. And when they eventually did.... i licked it all up and swallowed it down like a cum craved slut (which, truthfully, i was). i've even gone so far as licking the jizz off the booth windows and floors just to demonstrate my sluttiness. (Btw - surprisingly girls, this seems to turn the men off, just so you know.)

Looking for Annamalice? (or... how Google+ can ruin your day)

UPDATE!!
Anna has returned! Check this link for the details.

Leaving this post for the informative value.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the interest of spreading the news.. cause i certainly have been wondering for 24 hours now.... i just found this posted on Anna's G+ profile page:

Anna Malice

Yesterday 12:44 PM  -  Public

"Hello, Your blog at http://annamalicesissy.blogspot.com/ has been reviewed and confirmed as in violation of our Terms of Service for: SPAM. In accordance to these terms, we've removed the blog and the URL is no longer accessible. For more information, please review the following resources: Blogger Terms of Service: http://blogger.com/terms.g Blogger Content Policy: http://blogger.com/content.g -The Blogger Team"


this is the email i have received today, from Blogger.. i don't know if i'll able to restart the site.. i'm really sorry
with love
Anna

--------

And if you want MORE examples of why YOU SHOULD NOT move your blog to G+ ... check out what this poor girl has gone through:

Johanna's Stuff

--------

Miss You Anna... hope you manage to come back in some way soon... Your insight to sissy life and desires thrill us all.

Where did i go? (or... what happened to nic?)

So my SL friends may be wondering where i am. Laying low... that's where.

Let me explain. Some of you know that i am closeted in RL. i am in a long term (supposed to be) monogamous relationship (i know, i know.... i feel bad about it already). The missus didn't really have any idea of who i am inside. i was too afraid to let her know.

A few weeks ago.... she almost caught me. Being in SL requires lots of typing... an entire world and many people to interact with only through text chat means lots of continuous typing. While my missus normally leaves me alone, and previous claims of 'im playing a game' satisfied her... it was the constant and continuous typing all day long that raised her suspicions.

i have been in sl for almost, just about, almost, a year now.She has requested many times to 'see' my 'game'. Since my avi is a sissy, and my profile is sissy-ish... and all my friends are sissies and want to fuck... well.... i couldn't exactly sit her down and show her the world in which i was living.

One night, she was fed up. - Tha'ts how she gets... if something bothers her, she my go for weeks, maybe months, without saying anything, but then.... at some point she'll blow up all of a sudden.

That's how it went that night.

Would YOU come 'out' to this person??

"WHAT are YOU typing in here?!? Let me see what you were doing RIGHT NOW!"

"SHOW ME!" Eventually she sat in my chair and started to poke around on my computer.... only her ignorance was saving me at that point.She was about to click on my minimized porn window..... my blog opened to a page of my own dick sucking stories! I quickly hit the power button on my system ---  but NOT before a quick flask of small shaved dick flashed onto the screen as programs immediately shut down.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?!? TURN THIS BACK ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

Starting it back up was safe... i only browse porn in a 'private' browser (no history). But now--- she was sitting and poking and clicking everything. I was fairly confident she would not stumble upon my downloaded porn and pic files... i had hidden them well.... that folder contains enough evidence of my sissy self hypnosis and pictures and stories to really ruin everything.

At some point... she found a fucking Windows 7 'Recently accessed files" search category. Hehe - seems her 'ignorance' helped her stumble into an area that i had never seen -- i don't use any of the built in searches, and has removed many of the references to them.... but she didn't know enough to NOT wander around the system into areas that there should be no user data -- in this example, ignorance worked FOR her. At any rate, as soon as i saw what she was doing... and i saw her scroll through the picks and files... i began to see images i had posted HERE!

At first there was nothing too bad... just pics of girls crying..... but then the AYA logo for BSDM sissies was in the list... and i knew i could let her scroll no longer ----- POWER DOWN AGAIN!

She was livid!

She now KNOWS i was hiding something.. i fessed up to porn --- i told her that i didn't want to show her because it was embarrassing. And before you thing that i should have just told her --- realize this whole time she is yelling, being mean, putting me down, and really NOT welcoming or making me feel safe or comfortable in being honest.

Since that fateful night..... I have been seriously hiding. No more SL -- at least not while ANYONE is home. No more dressing under my clothes. No more cockluv.

The WORST is the no more SL. i miss my family sooooo bad i miss my Mommy the Governess, i miss my clowny sister my fiance', i miss my clowny niece, my good friend Narigan, my sisters and all my friends. Nicolette feels like she is dieing inside.... i have no sissy friends... no body to make me feel like a girl... no one who can treat me as the submissive good girl i want to be sooo bad. i think of what must be going on at my home sim, and i begin to get really sad --- i miss all of you girls.

The good news? Well -- prollly NOT co-incidental, but.... the missus has been giving me a lot more sex... every few days at least... AND.. she has finally started to give me what i need. She calls me names (bitch boi, slut, pussy boy) and she fucks my pussy with a toy, but most often her fingers, as i jerk for her amusement. i ONLY cum from being penetrated now. Once, she even let me creampie her, then she mounted my face for a proper cleanup....

But she still attacks me every few days as well... she wont drop it... she wants to 'know what you're doing". And she still thinks i'm cheating every time i'm on the computer... even though i haven't done anything wrong for a couple of weeks now.

Dont think im all manly now though true believers --- this sissy keeps her dildoes close -- and i take a LOT more showers now.... hehehehehe.


Anyway --- if any of my friends in SL read this... please pass the link to any other friends who are wondering where i am. please? pretty please with my cherry on top?

My email still works friends --- this sissy would love to hear from you. I try to send email to my closest loved ones... but well, its rare that they reply. Nicole jumps for joy every time she sees an email from a friend of hers. Please.... it would be nice.

This sissy faggot misses all of you... please hug me tonight? whisper in your brain that everything will be ok. tell me that someday ill get to be the sissy i want to be... please?

Love You,
nico (Nickles) Greymyst
**kisses!**

....and.. two hours later?

it's really amazing what a few moments of cuddle time with my Clown, and a few private words from my Mommy can do for me.

Can't say i'm 'up', but at least i dont feel like the world is closing in on me.

... and now.. i guess its back to real life... *sigh* i hate it there.

i hate this

why do i feel compelled? why cant i stop?

my dream

How i wish someone would change me from this:

not me.. but damned close

To this:

so feminine...

Sissy Status Update (The Good & The Bad)

So... i guess i should start with the good news! Princess and i are Wife and wife! YAY! She offered Her partnership to me and i quickly accepted about a week ago! She makes me sooo happy! Thank You my Princess for taking this sissy as Yours!

She makes my sissy heart race!

How do you know this feeling is Love?

It's the way She makes you feel, with a look, a gesture, a word, a touch. It's different for everyone i guess, but, like art and porn, you know it when you feel(see) it. For me...... my heart races, i feel a tiny bit dizzy and off balance, i feel obsessed and unable to focus on anything else, i can only dream of returning these wonderful feelings to Her. i am compelled to run... to jump all over Her (metaphorically). my only desire in life is to be Her good sissy, to make Her happy and pleased and satisfied, to make Her proud.

Do You know how difficult it is to NOT be self-destructive and abuse the privilege You have granted me? How hard it is to abstain and not be bothersome?

i Love Her

Martyrdom for a self-absorbed sissy - or - FML

So.. can someone please tell me why?

Why does She not contact me? Is Her work sooo busy during a holiday that She cannot spare five minutes to drop me a message? Why do i keep waiting for Her attention? Why can't i just understand that She obviously doesn't want to be with me anymore? Why can't She just come out and say it? Why does it have to be this way?

Why did i not get a single thing from anybody this holiday? i certainly did everything i could to fulfill my commitments to all of them - fucking ingrates, not even a single one even acknowledged that i was the only one sitting there with nothing, no pile, no gifts. Well... thats not true.... my mother-in-law DID get me a gift card to the corner deli... so there's that....

Why do i always want to kill myself? Don't get all worked up... i've always felt this way... it's just.. sometimes it's worse than others...

Guess i dont have to tell you that i was crying again today.

Why did i think i was going to hear from Her?

it all sucks.

me.... inside... most of my life

Here's hoping that maybe YOU had a nice holiday.... besides raping the shit outta myself yesterday... my weekend was ........ a letdown to say the least. At least i have two new toys to get me though these down times... unless all the deadbeats are home of course.

(Why, why, why did i tell Her not to ruin my home life? Maybe i coulda had Her come and take me for Her own.. maybe THAT's why She doesn't want me anymore.. because She feels as if it's wasted time... She is honoring a commitment i forced on Her early.. to leave my RL out of O/our relationship... i shoulda been a good girl.. i shoulda submitted totally and completely from the start... maybe then i wouldn't be without Her now....)

Tell the kids now... life sucks and will go all wrong no matter what you do, or how you act... better to let them live with the truth of life rather than let them be disappointed in the future....

Love, a lonely unloved sissy

How i truly feel

 

Source: http://subboigurl.tumblr.com/

Well... maybe more than half.... giggles.....

Sadness

sorry... i haven't posted in a few days... sorry.. been busy, and now when my world comes crumbling down, all i want to do is post again..... i guess i am an exhibitionist after all.

Some background.... 7/8 months ago i found sissy hypnosis videos. i started watching and attempting to self trance. i started to get more and more aroused at the thought of being taken... of being forced... to be the gurl i really was inside.. of course i didnt know that i was really a gurl, i just thought that occasionally i dreamed and desired cock... maybe play around with a girlfriend and wear her panties. Sure, maybe i liked the bottom position during sex.. but i was still a man, right?

Off of someone's blog i found a link to http://secondlifesissy.blogspot.com/ . i became fascinated with the stories of how she was living as a shemale and having wonderful open sex with all cummers. i decided maybe i should check out this 'Second Life'.

What an amazing experience. i highly recommend it if you desire to live as something you are not. i joined SL and quickly created my avatar.... nicolette. At first i was going to live as a woman, then i decided to be closer to who i am, a transgendered male to female. Of course this is not who i am in rl (real life) but it was at least a more accurate expression of how i felt inside.

nicolette:

Eventually.... i met Her. She tells me She is a TG from the UK. She has been living full time most of Her life, since late teens. She is Domme. W/we became friends, and quickly fell in love.

Princess:

At first i was scared to submit, i didnt want to be a 'slave'. She never forced me. She was willing to be with me even if i wasn't Her sub. i negotiated a poision for me that i felt comfortable with, i would be 'Hers' and submit, but i also wanted respect and love, and to be treated as an equal, in many ways.

Obviously, to anyone who knows, i was a total novice in BDSM relationships, and had no idea what to expect. She was very loving, and considerate. i became Her 'pet' (an esteemed lover / partner... greater than a slave, but still a sub). i was Her 'girl'. W/we were very happy together.

She proposed to me. i accepted, with the condition of a long engagement as W/we were still learning each other. She started a business, with me by Her side. W/we had houses and land, and W/we played and danced and raced and generally had a ball together. and.... the sex was amazing.

She quickly became my fantasy. She filled my head every morning noon and night. i would see Her in my mind as i was playing with myself, or having sex with my missus. In fact, soon, i was unable to achieve without thinking of Her.

The more W/we were together, the more sissy i became. i quickly wanted to fully give all of myself to Her. i wanted Her to see my gift of service as a sign of my love for Her. It was hard to walk the line of being Her sub pet AND being a normal girlfriend. i learned a lot about BDSM. About sub rights. About sissy frenzy. About all the emotions that subs struggle with.

Being a Domme is hard. A sub begins to rely on the Dom/me for everything. The sub gets all of their self worth from the Dom/me. Owning a sub has many responsibilities for the Dom/me. My Princess was very good. She was always looking out for me. She was VERY protective of me and my feelings. She gave me praise often (i was a good girl) and corrected me when i slipped up. She was always willing to bind me as needed if that was what i desired, public or private. She was loving, and careing, and considerate, and smart.

my Princess loved me.

Then, Her rl took a turn. Work started to need Her more. Taking Her away from me for days at a time. But when She would return W/we would have such wonderful times together and such amazing sex. W/we laughed and giggled, danced and hung out. W/we would visit other locations and She would show off Her obediant and loving pet. i would take great pride in being Her good girl to show off.

Alas... work got more and more demanding. She was on less and less. There were times (im not proud of) when it was hard for me, and i would send Her notes over and over, like a scorned girlfriend, begging for some attentions. i did get a bit better after another pointed out that i wasn't making things easy on Her with my behavior.

And now.....

She has ordered me to move on.... to not be Hers anymore. She is releasing me from my servitude. She is dumping me.

i dont really know why, i got a note from Her explaining how difficult this situation is for Her. i can't really say i understand as She did not give me too much detail. im not sure if Her difficulties are because of me, or Her work, or some combo of the two. She did not give any room to discuss it, just that 'She couldn't do it anymore' and that i was to 'move on from Her'.

in a couple of hours i will have been crying for 12 hours if you dont count sleep. i have tried to contact Her back, i left a note for Her with questions, but it is not unusual for Her to not reply to my notes... i dont know if i will ever understand....

today, last night... i am in a daze... i am so confused... i have been dumped by my Love with no understanding as to what i did wrong. i have no-one close to me who really understands.. well... maybe one, my SL 'sister' Ribbons.. but she is not on a lot... and i havent seen her in a few days either... idk... i feel so alone right now.

i know this is foolish, i mean, it was only and 'online' relationship. W/we never exchanged photos or emails... W/we shared rl only as a backdrop to O/our online availability. i had wanted more, but She kept me in check, She did not want to blur the lines of rl vs sl for Herself. Early on i had asked Her to respect my rl, and not to destroy it.... and now... all i wish is for Her to show up at my door to take me away to serve Her forever, for real.

but that will never happen. not now. not ever.

So i ask you.... am i a fool? is this sissy fairy faggot a stupid fucking idiot fool for falling in love with a game avatar who i never had any rl contact with? am i the most retarded imbicile for feeling so down, so sad, so depressed at losing an online love? W/we never touched, i never heard Her voice, i never saw Her for real... and yet... i feel like i am dieing inside....

HEELS!

O.M.G.

So… went to the mall today with the missus. Was wearing my favorite pink lacies.. not the sheer VS panties, but the high waisted lace panty.. my prettiest.

Had to visit the daughter-in-law at her new store.. a shoe store. It’s kinda trendy, mostly catering to a young crowd of skaters and sluts and hipsters. i was not looking forward to it. But then, as i approached the store… very glad i kept my sunglasses on in the mall.. there was the hottest display of heels in the windows!

OMG! Platforms and all very high! Black patent leather, bows and red soles… purple glitter stiletoes! FUCK they were fucking sexy! Then inside! AHHH!!! It was AMAZING! i sat myself across from the display, pretending to be looking at the mens shoes beyond the heels, in fact pointing a pair out as ‘cool’.. all the while, watching and examining the sexy slutty strappy platform 4 to 5 inch man killers infront of me. Straps and bows and glitter and colors! Omg omg omg! i got chubby in the pants.

i had to get out of there.. i went for a walk around the mall.. fuck the visiting…. The very next store to hers… dresses in the window… every mannequin… all sexy. They seemed to be having a sale on the sluttiest prettiest dresses, all form fitting AND SHORT! My eggies would hang down below the hem if i went without panties! AND they ALL had matching heels! Stretchy sexy pretty slutty short mini dresses and the fucking hottest platform heels for every display. There had to be like ten sets in the window… i had to keep going.

Walking through the mall i realized that my clit was soo fucking hard.. what am i becoming? Getting hard over dresses and heels? No.. correction… getting HARD over thinking about wearing those dresses and heels. Imagining being a slutty girl, presenting her body for use wearing those sexy dresses and heels. And it’s just then.. i remember that my clit is stiff inside a pair of pretty (really pretty!) hot pink fully lace panties. Swear to god… my pussy puckered at the thought. i had to sit.

Watching the pretty sluts walk in and out of that store, like a perv… thank god for shades, i started to get soooo jealous of them. Bitches, don’t even know how good they have it. They probably don’t even swallow for their man.

Ahhh.. if i had to do it all over again…. i would be the girl I need to be.

Soooo.. know what i just learned? i can sit here and post pictures of Christian Louboutin heels all. night. long. hehe - tell me if you like.. gimme a reason, please!

**kisses!**

ok... a real posting

So.. this will be my vent... my diary (like all girls should have).

To start... just a few thoughts on starting this blog:

Don't expect perfect spelling or grammar.. while i know the rules, i feel most comfortable 'speaking' in a casual manner, much like Mark Twain... writing in a colloquial manner is a legitimate style. Oh... and im a bad speller anyway.... giggles

This whole exercise turns me on.....

i am a member of Second Life. If you are not there and you dream of being something you are not - that is a wonderful place to live as you desire. Beware the path is rife with haters... but with perseverance you will certainly find the community that accepts you.

If you haven't found Annamalice's sissy blog.. i highly recommend it.... (check my blog links) - but please, we sissy's need attention! and acceptance. Like many others, she seems to crave feedback, but none of us want hate... constructive criticism is always welcome, but save the mean behavior for the mirror, please. Even if you don't like the content, feedback is addicting and you can at least appreciate the effort, but nobody appreciates pure discouragement.

i am wearing my missus' panties. hehehe

Anyone else like hypno movies? i prefer to get a little buzzed, use my headphones, darken the room, go full-screen, and trace while dreaming of being the pantied slut i need to be.