i have recently returned from the brink of being lost. This sissy was / is / may yet be in a 'bad place'. Do not be concerned, perhaps my tendency to use hyperbole is evident today.
Yes, i have been absent for a while. Not only from here, but from my Second Life as well. Sissy Slut Nicolette hasn't been feeling well.
But the question(s) i get so much upon return is... "why? Are you okay?" I know that this is merely an expression of concern, of love, and caring. My Friends, my family, my sisters.... they only care about me. They only want to help me in anyway they can - so... i understand. The problems is... How do i answer that?
Do i lie and leave all details vague, simply state that real life has kept me away? Do i blame my missus for being an overbearing monster (not the case btw). Do i tell the truth and burden my friends with worry and concern? DO i invite more discussion and attempts to reach out? idk.
idk how to handle it. So... i turn back to here.
OK, the truths? Ive been seriously depressed. Manic. Up and Down... well... certainly more down than up. Ive been hiding with my clowny wife, under the covers, watching lots and lots of TV, playing video games, and generally avoiding any kind of life - real or second or otherwise. I wait for those short, but daily moments when i can share some time and love with my sisterwife. Being around her is the only times i smile anymore, the only time i feel a bit comfortable. She has tried to bring me back out of this self imposed protective shell of withdrawal, but ive also taught her... that times like these... really... what i need is love and comfort and support - which she has brought to me in spades. i Love that Clown.
In Real Life? Missus is oblivious. She never sees any of the mental anguish i go through everyday. Not really surprising considering that she refused to acknowledge my daily physical sufferings, but - that's another posting.
She discovered my panty wearing. THAT was a stressful day(s). Again, that whole story is another posting, maybe if ppl wanna hear about it, let me know. Long story short - i was stupid and she found a pair of unknowingly discarded panties, and i had to fess up before she started in on me cheating. I explained that they were mine, that i liked to wear girls pantie, that i had a few of my own, after stealing some of hers. i told her i was not gay (lie) and that i didn't want a man (lie) and that it wasn't sexual (lie) and that it just made me feel pretty, kinda sexy, and overall 'good' inside. She was upset that i had been hiding it. She is still confused by it, and doesn't understand how i would like to wear pink lacy panties, but NOT really want to be a girl (i guess her confusion is understandable - because that is exactly what i want!). So, yeah - i am a no good liar... and prolly deserve any hardship that comes my way. At least now... well now my panties are clean, cause she lets me put them in her wash. Although... when i was forced o wash them in the shower, i never went without them. Now, once they enter her wash... it may be a couple of weeks before i see them again, and that sucks.
i rejected most of my sissy life for a while. i stopped wearing, stopped acting out... i even tried to stop fucking my hole.
Of course... that didn't last very long.
Now... when missus and i have sex... there is never any proper intercourse with penetration of penis inside of vagina. Now a days... maybe once every week or two... she will feel the urge.... and, well, eventually we end up with her fingers in my pussy as i wank like a fairy, calling out for her to fuck my pussy, fill me up, make me her bitch... till i cum all over. Then, i am expected to service her, like a good sissy, using my seed as finger lube on her clitty. She hasn't caught me scooping my cum into my mouth yet.
recently... i have been working my puckered hole over so much, so often, that there is little chance of me ever spurting again without something inside me. Missus even commented on how slack i was this very morning. Also... she noticed my pussy was wet too. That's right - this sissy is self lubricating, hehe.
Anyways... depression is a bitch. I can feel so UP and giggly and excited, only to have things turn around suddenly, bringing me low and sad and 'touchy'. Little things make the sadness wash over me. I willing was avoiding SL... and then i would see my sister logged in... and i would get so upset... so angry and confused and sad. Ive been crying almost daily. And im sure it doesn't help what time of year it is.
Yeah, forgot to mention.... since my mid teens - pretty much October through Easter... my mood isn't great. Depression is normal for me, always has been, but this time of year is the worst - for many different reasons.
Not the least of which? February. February is the time of my Missus' birthday (stressful cause i'm broke, shes really picky, and since shes exactly 10 yrs older - all of HER age 'crisis' are always before, and overwhelms any anxiety i am allowed to have over my own age). February is the time of Valentine's Day (see above gift giving stress). February is the time of my own b-day (yeah, see above again - christ, just once i would like to get some sympathy for growing old). Finally.. and well, most importantly, February 25th. That's the day i last spoke with my Princess. That's the day we parted ways, in this world at least. Yeah, it still hurts - lots.
i miss Her so much. Everyday. i wonder if She sees my tears wherever She is? Is it bad to express that sometimes... sometimes.... i kinda wish, i hope that She was lieing to me? That whoever She is / was - that maybe that soul is still here, in this world with us, they maybe, the one who made me feel so true, that maybe that soul is doing okay. i hope so.
And even now, while trying to deal with the grief that never ever seems to go too far away, now... i have been trying to comprehend my situation with another Domme i am close to - with a Domme, i wish i was closer to. Is She going to leave me as well? If She does, will i be able to keep this overwhelming sadness hidden? i couldn't last time. i had to come out to my friend... mostly... cause i couldn't keep it in anymore. Am i a total asshole for only thinking about myself when a loved one is in such peril?
Yeah... no one wants to hear any of this. i know.
That's why i haven't been around.
That's why i have choosen to only snuggle in my clownie's arms, safe from the bad feelings, safe from the tears... at least, for a little while.