Sunday, December 25, 2011

Martyrdom for a self-absorbed sissy - or - FML

So.. can someone please tell me why?

Why does She not contact me? Is Her work sooo busy during a holiday that She cannot spare five minutes to drop me a message? Why do i keep waiting for Her attention? Why can't i just understand that She obviously doesn't want to be with me anymore? Why can't She just come out and say it? Why does it have to be this way?

Why did i not get a single thing from anybody this holiday? i certainly did everything i could to fulfill my commitments to all of them - fucking ingrates, not even a single one even acknowledged that i was the only one sitting there with nothing, no pile, no gifts. Well... thats not true.... my mother-in-law DID get me a gift card to the corner deli... so there's that....

Why do i always want to kill myself? Don't get all worked up... i've always felt this way... it's just.. sometimes it's worse than others...

Guess i dont have to tell you that i was crying again today.

Why did i think i was going to hear from Her?

it all sucks.

me.... inside... most of my life

Here's hoping that maybe YOU had a nice holiday.... besides raping the shit outta myself yesterday... my weekend was ........ a letdown to say the least. At least i have two new toys to get me though these down times... unless all the deadbeats are home of course.

(Why, why, why did i tell Her not to ruin my home life? Maybe i coulda had Her come and take me for Her own.. maybe THAT's why She doesn't want me anymore.. because She feels as if it's wasted time... She is honoring a commitment i forced on Her early.. to leave my RL out of O/our relationship... i shoulda been a good girl.. i shoulda submitted totally and completely from the start... maybe then i wouldn't be without Her now....)

Tell the kids now... life sucks and will go all wrong no matter what you do, or how you act... better to let them live with the truth of life rather than let them be disappointed in the future....

Love, a lonely unloved sissy

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