Monday, February 25, 2013

So... trying to deal...

Today has been a year.

I guess i'm not as obsessed as i was a year ago, it's not more than 2 days maximum before She crosses my thoughts again. Most times... it's daily. Almost everyday. I wonder.

Is She still there? Does She still watch me? Is She assisting me?

Was She real?

Recent new articles shining a bright light on the practice of online relationships being false... well... it makes you wonder. Personally, having a bit of experience now, think... its okay to maintain whatever image you want to present online, whatever face you desire and makes you feel good. As long as you are honest to those who you become close with. Casual interactions are one thing. I should not have to come 'out' to any guy i meet on the street. But when that person becomes close, and you begin to share... well.... that person deserves to know who you are.. who they are speaking with. Its only fair.

So i KNOW there are those that dont reveal the truth.

And i KNOW there are those that lie to those closest, if only to get out of a relationship. And they tell the most horrible hurtful of lies to achieve these ends. Read those articles about the ND footballer. That story only confirms and repeats what i've witnessed myself in SL.

However.. through all this.... no matter what i read and hear others say...

My heart tells me She was real. And i think there will always be a hole that She left when She left us.

i don't resent Her for leaving. i truly understand.  If i was in Her position... well.... i'm sure i would have made the same decisions. This hole in my soul that i feel for Her only serves to remind me what She gave me.

Acceptance. Not to feel shame. To be proud that i was a sissy. To be proud in my desire to serve and please. To not be a doormat, instead to be strong, to be and act in accordance with my desires. To take solace in my submissiveness, and to love the woman inside me.

She taught me things about myself i couldn't even see, and yet, i knew it was always there. She serviced my soul so much more than my pitiful little gestures of submissiveness.

I miss You so much Princess. I hope that You have found the peace that You deserve.
In My Heart, Always & Forever Your girl,
Nicolette Pennysworth

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