Some background.... 7/8 months ago i found sissy hypnosis videos. i started watching and attempting to self trance. i started to get more and more aroused at the thought of being taken... of being forced... to be the gurl i really was inside.. of course i didnt know that i was really a gurl, i just thought that occasionally i dreamed and desired cock... maybe play around with a girlfriend and wear her panties. Sure, maybe i liked the bottom position during sex.. but i was still a man, right?
Off of someone's blog i found a link to http://secondlifesissy.blogspot.com/ . i became fascinated with the stories of how she was living as a shemale and having wonderful open sex with all cummers. i decided maybe i should check out this 'Second Life'.
What an amazing experience. i highly recommend it if you desire to live as something you are not. i joined SL and quickly created my avatar.... nicolette. At first i was going to live as a woman, then i decided to be closer to who i am, a transgendered male to female. Of course this is not who i am in rl (real life) but it was at least a more accurate expression of how i felt inside.
Eventually.... i met Her. She tells me She is a TG from the UK. She has been living full time most of Her life, since late teens. She is Domme. W/we became friends, and quickly fell in love.
At first i was scared to submit, i didnt want to be a 'slave'. She never forced me. She was willing to be with me even if i wasn't Her sub. i negotiated a poision for me that i felt comfortable with, i would be 'Hers' and submit, but i also wanted respect and love, and to be treated as an equal, in many ways.
Obviously, to anyone who knows, i was a total novice in BDSM relationships, and had no idea what to expect. She was very loving, and considerate. i became Her 'pet' (an esteemed lover / partner... greater than a slave, but still a sub). i was Her 'girl'. W/we were very happy together.
She proposed to me. i accepted, with the condition of a long engagement as W/we were still learning each other. She started a business, with me by Her side. W/we had houses and land, and W/we played and danced and raced and generally had a ball together. and.... the sex was amazing.
She quickly became my fantasy. She filled my head every morning noon and night. i would see Her in my mind as i was playing with myself, or having sex with my missus. In fact, soon, i was unable to achieve without thinking of Her.
The more W/we were together, the more sissy i became. i quickly wanted to fully give all of myself to Her. i wanted Her to see my gift of service as a sign of my love for Her. It was hard to walk the line of being Her sub pet AND being a normal girlfriend. i learned a lot about BDSM. About sub rights. About sissy frenzy. About all the emotions that subs struggle with.
Being a Domme is hard. A sub begins to rely on the Dom/me for everything. The sub gets all of their self worth from the Dom/me. Owning a sub has many responsibilities for the Dom/me. My Princess was very good. She was always looking out for me. She was VERY protective of me and my feelings. She gave me praise often (i was a good girl) and corrected me when i slipped up. She was always willing to bind me as needed if that was what i desired, public or private. She was loving, and careing, and considerate, and smart.
my Princess loved me.
Then, Her rl took a turn. Work started to need Her more. Taking Her away from me for days at a time. But when She would return W/we would have such wonderful times together and such amazing sex. W/we laughed and giggled, danced and hung out. W/we would visit other locations and She would show off Her obediant and loving pet. i would take great pride in being Her good girl to show off.
Alas... work got more and more demanding. She was on less and less. There were times (im not proud of) when it was hard for me, and i would send Her notes over and over, like a scorned girlfriend, begging for some attentions. i did get a bit better after another pointed out that i wasn't making things easy on Her with my behavior.
She has ordered me to move on.... to not be Hers anymore. She is releasing me from my servitude. She is dumping me.
i dont really know why, i got a note from Her explaining how difficult this situation is for Her. i can't really say i understand as She did not give me too much detail. im not sure if Her difficulties are because of me, or Her work, or some combo of the two. She did not give any room to discuss it, just that 'She couldn't do it anymore' and that i was to 'move on from Her'.
in a couple of hours i will have been crying for 12 hours if you dont count sleep. i have tried to contact Her back, i left a note for Her with questions, but it is not unusual for Her to not reply to my notes... i dont know if i will ever understand....
today, last night... i am in a daze... i am so confused... i have been dumped by my Love with no understanding as to what i did wrong. i have no-one close to me who really understands.. well... maybe one, my SL 'sister' Ribbons.. but she is not on a lot... and i havent seen her in a few days either... idk... i feel so alone right now.
i know this is foolish, i mean, it was only and 'online' relationship. W/we never exchanged photos or emails... W/we shared rl only as a backdrop to O/our online availability. i had wanted more, but She kept me in check, She did not want to blur the lines of rl vs sl for Herself. Early on i had asked Her to respect my rl, and not to destroy it.... and now... all i wish is for Her to show up at my door to take me away to serve Her forever, for real.
but that will never happen. not now. not ever.
So i ask you.... am i a fool? is this sissy fairy faggot a stupid fucking idiot fool for falling in love with a game avatar who i never had any rl contact with? am i the most retarded imbicile for feeling so down, so sad, so depressed at losing an online love? W/we never touched, i never heard Her voice, i never saw Her for real... and yet... i feel like i am dieing inside....